Me and Tiger Woods Are Idiots

What do you think about the Tiger Woods situation?

-Justin

Justin,

I think he's an idiot. A total, total idiot. Cheating on your wife is beyond selfish and just plain evil. Somebody needs to administer a serious beat down to him. I really hope they can somehow work this out, that he seeks forgiveness and his wife somehow grants it, and that this family can be restored. But yeah, he's an idiot.

Of course, I also think I'm an idiot. A total, total idiot. Though I've never actually cheated on my wife, and have no intentions of ever doing so, the same kind of darkness inside of him that drove him to such behavior lives inside of me too. Like all mankind, I'm a child of wrath by nature. I could be Tiger Woods, and would be Tiger Woods, but for the grace of God. I'm no better than he is, on the inside. Nobody is.

I'm not defending him, because like I said, he's a huge idiot. But if you think for one second that you wouldn't do the exact same things that he has done, you are dangerously prideful, and you are setting yourself up to fall.

Really I try not to pay attention to all the messy details when I hear about this or that celebrity doing something stupid and sinful. The temptation is there to think "what a moron, I'd never do that" and to pat myself on the back for not being as dumb as whoever it is. But that's just the wrong attitude to have. If you're familiar with the New Testament, Jesus tells a story in Luke 18 about a pharisee and a tax collector. The tax collector was humble before God, recognizing his own sinfulness. The pharisee, though, was just proud that he wasn't as bad off as that lowly tax collector. The pharisee's mistake was that he compared himself to the tax collector rather than comparing himself to God. If he had done that, he would have realized just how far short he falls, and he would have been humble like the tax collector. The pharisee may actually have been a "better person" than the tax collector, as far as following the rules goes. But the attitude of his heart could not have been further from God.

So don't ever compare yourself to some celebrity bozo and think you have it more together than they do, because a) you could and would do the same thing they did and b) neither of you have an ounce worth of goodness to your credit anyway, compared to how good Jesus is. This is crucial to understand, because until you grasp just how bad off you and everybody else are, you can't understand just how amazing grace is.

Sorry to get all theological on you, but you asked what I thought, and any time I hear about the latest scandal I get introspective and try to learn lessons for my own life. Hopefully something I manswered today will be helpful to some of you as well. In the meantime, Tiger Woods is an idiot, one of the biggest clowns out there. And so am I.

Dr Awesome

Rapid Fire Manswer - Dipping in Ranch Dressing

Is it manly to dip pizza in ranch dressing?

Daniel
Wasilla, Alaska

Daniel,

I didn’t even know there was pizza in Alaska. Or ranch dressing, for that matter. I thought everyone there ate moose and various forms of marine life with hot mustard (hot mustard because Alaska is cold). At least, that's what I usually eat when I'm up there learning cold weather survival skills with the Inuit. I'm pretty happy that you guys have pizza up there. What a great day for Alaskan heritage, with pizza being introduced into Alaskan cuisine, and your state getting its first manswer! I’ll get straight to the manswer to complete this momentous occasion. To dip something can be pretty manly, like when you are on the parallel bars working your triceps. Or when you dip into the budget to surprise your wife with a fancy date. Or when you dip your fingers into war paint (those last two are not mutally exclusive, but that's a story for another time). However, there is a fine line when it comes to dipping...for instance, dipping a green tea bag into a coffee mug or taking a dip in the kiddy pool because you like the mushroom fountain is not manly at all. So while I understand that you are likely a man of few words, I need more information. Does this pizza have pineapples on it? Is it fat-free or lite ranch dressing? Is there meat on this pizza? How much meat, and how many different types? What is the meat to vegetable ratio? What type of animal would be more likely to enjoy your pizza, a meat-eating bear or a leaf-eating rabbit? Are you eating this pizza while watching Dances with Wolves or while watching Dancing with the Stars? Can you eat an entire large pizza in one sitting, or are you one of those pansy men who pees sitting down? All of this matters, Daniel, so I’m afraid I can’t manswer you with this minimal amount of information. I really hate that I ruined this inaugural Alaskan holiday by not being able to manswer you, but I promise I'll discuss this more in the comments section if you give me some more specifics. If it is any consolation, I think ranch on moose is perfectly acceptable. Bon appetit.

Dr Awesome

Rapid Fire Manswer - Guys Who Stop Calling

Dear Dr. Awesome,
Your blog has recently become a favorite of mine and I am consequently sharing if with many of my female friends. We have come to admire your smirky honesty and extensive knowledge of your kind. Being women, there are many things we do not understand about members of the opposite sex. One such topic deals with men clearly appearing to be interested for a period of time and then suddenly dropping off the face of the earth. What started out as dates and daily texts ends in silence and leaving us to wonder what happened. What is causing this phenomenon and how are we to respond?
The G.U.B. club ladies

G.U.B. Club Ladies,

Before I say anything else, I have to know what the G.U.B. club stands for. Gaseous Underground Bunnies? Giant Unicorn Babies? Garth U. Brooks? I'd probably be a member of any of those clubs, for the record. But to manswer your question, I see two possibilities when it comes to men who are all about you and then suddenly stop calling. First, they are secret ninja spies who have to go off on missions vital to national security. This kind of stuff happens from time to time. Before I gave up ninjaing in favor of writing an internet advice column, I was constantly breaking necks abroad while breaking hearts at home. So if that is the case, my best advice is to weep into an American flag for a couple of days, and then get over it. Now the only other reason I can think of that a guy would just up and quit calling is because he is a huge loser. Maybe the dude is an otherwise nice guy who is looking for a wife, and found out something about you that makes you not wife-material, like you are a fan of his rival team or you collect fingernail clippings from presidents. If that is case, he owes you an honest explanation, or should at least admit that your patriotism far exceeds his. More often the not-call-backers are afraid of commitment and want to run back to their XBOX 360 in their parents' basement. You've heard it said that there is more than one way to skin a cat, but at the end all you have is a skinned cat. Similarly, there are a lot of reasons a guy could just quit calling without explanation, but all of them point to the fact that the guy is kind of immature and jerkified. . Heck, even if he has decided that he used to like you but now thinks you are the spawn of Satan, he should at least be man enough to tell you so (in a kind, gentle, do-not-tick-off-Satan way, of course). I say if some guy just quits calling you without explanation, don't sweat it, because he was probably not the kind of guy you'd want to be with anyway. Plus he skins cats, which I think is an early warning sign of being a serial killer. Maybe he quit calling because he wanted to save you, who knows? Ones thing fairly certain though: he probably doesn't even like baby unicorns or farting rabbits, and would therefore be disqualified from your club. Anyway ladies, let me refer you to some other material I've written on the subject of how to get the right kind of guy, here. Good luck to you!

Dr Awesome

Rapid Fire Manswer - I'm Pregnant!

Dr. Awesome,

I am wondering what is the best way to tell your husband that you are pregnant? Any suggestions?

XXXX
(I've removed her name just in case Kate's husband is reading this)

XXXX,

Strictly speaking, by definition I am incapable of either having a husband or being pregnant. But you were probably referring to yourself and wanting to tell *your* husband. If that is the case, I think you have a few options. I don't have much experience in this area (telling people that I am pregnant) but if it were me I would probably go the subtle route. I'd say something like, "I think if I were pregnant I'd probably like to eat corndogs all the time." Then I'd go to Wal-Mart and buy one of those 96 count corndog boxes. This way, your husband will not only be excited when he finds out that you are carrying his progeny, but there will also be tons of beefy wieners coated in delicious batter in the freezer. Of course there is the nasty method, which involves hiding the positive pregnancy test in his sandwich. Or you can not tell him at all and see how long it takes for him to ask why you are throwing up so much. Or you can go the hyper-spiritual route, by saying you'd like to say the blessing and then doing one of those "pray for everything but for the food" deals where you ask God to help you be good parents. Whatever method you choose, though, being a parent is the coolest thing I've ever done. Congrats to you and your husband. It makes me happy when the Dr Awesome family grows.

Dr Awesome

Dr. Awesome Readers Append Words to Random Images of Old Man Movie Screencaps Found on the Interwebs Celebrity Competition Bee: Round 9

Our even less than quasi-weekly Dr. Awesome Readers Append Words to Random Images of Old Man Movie Screencaps Found on the Interwebs Celebrity Competition Bee: Round 9 begins now.

Last week's winners:

**The first ever clean sweep winner. Congrats to Daniel and his screen caption wittiness. I'm going to have to think of some special reward for this. I'm open to suggestions.**

Daniel: Dillon: Can you scratch my back?

Dutch: *blank stare, considers punching Dillon in the face*

Daniel: Dutch to Dillon: These ab's aren't airbrushed

Daniel: Dutch to Dillon: You know, I think I liked you more in Rocky.

Now, let's see who is man enough to come up with something for this one:

Rapid Fire Manswer - Necklaces

Necklaces. They are just for girls, right?

Your Brother in Christ,
Bert

Bert,

Yes. Now keep in mind that not everything you wear around your neck is a necklace. I'm throwing out this exception because I'd hate to see you harmed bodily by people who wear non-necklace things around their necks. Soldiers, for instance, wear dog tags. Tribal warriors wear the bones of defeated adversaries. Mr T wears golden chains of pity. Those are just a few examples of people with stuff around their necks who could hurt you. But by and large, men should stay away from necklace-type jewelry. I mean, necklace is just neck+lace, and men don't need to be wearing lace anywhere, neck or otherwise. And, you don't want to give somebody something to strangle you with, right? Personally I'm not a big fan of men wearing jewelry at all, but I recognize that's just because I was raised that way. Wedding rings are fine, along with Super Bowl rings and brass knuckles, but I just don't understand gold chains or ear rings or other such decorations. I see a guy with diamond ear rings, and I think "what a moron, doesn't he know that for the same money he could have bought a sweet pair of night vision goggles?" But again, that's just me, I like to see things at night. Bottom line, unless you are a soldier, a member of a primitive tribe of badical men, or Mr T, then I advise that you stay away from all forms of neck lace.

Dr Awesome

Rapid Fire Manswer - Manly Dogs

Dr. Awesome,
I practice all of the "givens": heading up a young God fearing family, hunting, fishing, following sports, barbecuing, and study the usual inspirationals like Perseus from the movie "Clash Of The Titans" (1981). With that said, here is my question. Do I get man demerits for having a small family dog...not like a jack russell, but like one of those little "purse" dogs that you paid for...paid a lot for. The roots of my raisin' didn't have me prepared to pay big bucks to pay for a pet...but I have to confess, 3 years ago we did. We bought a bichon frise which is like a white poodle. We got it for my wife, as her family always had/still has this breed throughout her raising, and it is one of the only type of dogs that doesn't make my allergies go crazy. It's pretty low maintenance, and it is good for the usual aggressive dog action training like "get the cat," get the squirrel," "get the ball," "Who's that!? Get 'em!" (at the frontdoor), and it makes a pretty good Po Boy's Security Alarm System at night if any potential mischif arises on the perimiter...To quote a childhood legend, it's not exactly "the rootinest, tootinest, fallootinest, shootinest, hombre north, south, east and west of the Pecos," but it's loyal and pretty tough considering. Is this okay in the name of family? Is there a Dr. Awesome manly chart for this one?
Please Advise and Thanks,
Buster

Buster,

If you take a step back and analyze your email objectively, you will see that it reads thusly:

Dr Awesome, I have the wussiest dog ever, but here are some reasons I think it might be manly. Please be an enabler for my pansitude by telling me all of this is ok. Thanks, Buster

Fortunately I'm not an enabler, unless you mean that I enable you to defeat whatever part of you is girlified, sort of like good Superman beating bad Superman in that junk yard fight in Superman III. So here is what you need to do to defeat your inner she-demons: get a manly dog, one so manly that people ask why you are trying to domesticate a kodiak bear. Name it something badical, like pretty much any character from Mortal Kombat II. And train it to be the best friend of your family and the worst enemy of anyone who would threaten your way of life, such as burglars or the US Congress. The only time you are allowed to have a wuss dog like the bichon is if it serves as the emergency backup to a real dog. This situation can be salvaged, but only if you go adopt the manliest dog you can find into your family. Best of luck to you, Buster.

Dr Awesome

Rapid Fire Manswer - More on Manly Clothing

Dr. Awesome:

Many thanks for the great blog, and for your daily insights into being an man in this times.

Could you please expound on manly clothing? I would think the most manly clothing is an leather loin cloth, but given this day and age, that isn’t quite appropriate. What is the most manly clothing, and how should the clothing be used?

Also as a follow-up question, large John Deere equipment is pretty cool, but their entrance into the lawn mowing market has diluted the brand. And they have even further degraded by their embrace of apparel and clothing. I used to think that John Deere was an manly brand, but it seems like it is more of a “want-to-be-a-real-man” clothing line. Is that a correct opinion for a man to have?

Thank a million Dr. Awesome!

Scott

Scott,

I've manswered several times before on the subject of clothing in general (which you can check out by clicking here). For the most part, you want to go with clothing that values function over form. Stylishness is important, but being prepared for whatever life throws at you is more important. I don't know how familiar you are with the Old Testament, but do you remember Joseph and his coat of many colors? Pracing around the ancient near east in an elaborate coat is partially responsible for him being sold into slavery, something that wouldn't have happened had he been dressed like some sort of Hebrew ninja. Of course the Joseph story has a happy ending, which shows you that even your worst clothing choices can be redeemed and help you become the leader of a prominent ancient nation like Egypt. As far as the John Deere, it's still a manly brand, even if they've gotten a little lax with who gets to wear their hats. Personally I think they should exercise more brand control. I have some Dr Awesome merchandise, for example, but the only way you can wear it is if you successfully complete The Maninator. So far no one has passed. But I'm not going to lower my standards, lest you all wind up being sold into slavery.

Dr Awesome

Halloween Costume Ideas

Dr. Awesome, Love your stuff. I have to go to a costume party through my wife's work tomorrow night. What should I wear? - Dave

Dave,

I have a list of unmanswered manswers backed up a couple of months, but I'm bumping this one to the top of the queue due to timeliness. Your need is immediate, so this gets elevated to manswer DEFCON 1. The last thing you need to do is compromise your masculinity by wearing a wussified costume. So let me help you out here.

Basically, I break down costumes into two categories: ones that require dressing up, and ones that don't. Now I prefer the non-dress up costumes, simply because when I get "dressed up" it is usually in camouflage, and something dies. And I've found that a good way to kill the mood at a costume party is to walk in with a freshly killed mountain lion. So I prefer what I call "psychological" costumes. But we'll get to those in a second. If you must dress up, go with something like:

- Superman. If you're going to dress up, why not pick a costume of someone who could destroy everybody else at the party with his heat vision? Sure, you could dress up as a different super hero, but why dress up in a lesser costume that guarantees you'll get your tail whipped by Superman? This costume works even if Yoda is at your party, as we all know who would win that fight. Go for the grand slam, go for the most powerful costume. Disclaimer though, don't dress up your infant as Superman. My parents made this mistake when I was younger, and I was confused for years. Why would Superman need a stroller?

- Special Forces attire. Another possibility for dressing up is to be prepared for random troubling situations that might arise. Great, dressing up as Super Mario might be creative and fun, but a plunger and a comical mustache will not help you when terrorists attack. At that point you'll definitely wish you had come dressed as a ninja. Think of John McClain in Die Hard and how he had to run across the broken glass because he didn't have shoes on. Be prepared! Note that the Superman costume works here too, because what terrorist expects freaking Superman to be at the party?

- Mime. This costume is ingenious for getting you out of small talk. You can still enjoy all the food and refreshments that people have out, since mimes have to eat or they will die off and the world be will a sadder place. But the second some boring bozo who doesn't know a thing about sports comes up to you and tries to start a conversation, you can just pretend you are stuck in an invisible box climbing a ladder. Ingenious! The perfect costume for the man who is unhappy about attending a costume party.

- Kanye West. This one is probably going to be overdone this Halloween, but you could always get one of those fake plastic bald things, paint some weird designs on it, and then go around telling everyone that Beyonce is better than them. I like this idea because it is timely, but any self-respecting terrorist is going to shoot Kanye right at the beginning. So definitely consider that before you pick this costume.

-Falcon (Balloon Boy). Another one that is timely but will probably be overdone this year. However, everyone else will be wearing huge silver helium filled Jiffy Pop looking balloons, which is all wrong. Falcon was never actually in the balloon. Little Falcon is kind of like Simon from Die Hard With A Vengeance when he said there was a bomb in a school, but only said that so he could steal 18 dump trucks worth of gold. Falcon just wanted his fifteen minutes of fame, which he is getting by being on this blog. To get the costume right, all you have to do is take a cardboard box and sit in it all night. To be as factual as possible, you should try and put the box upstairs in the attic, and don't say anything if the cops are looking for you. It is a very simple and multifunctional costume, and you can pretend to sleep to lure the Halloween terrorists into a false sense of security. And yes, I watched Die Hard this past weekend, hence all the references.

So if you insist on dressing up, those are the directions you should go. But I prefer psychological costumes...costumes where you don't have to dress up, where you instead get inside the head of those who wonder why you aren't wearing something stupid like they are. So under this scheme, you'd just show up at the part wearing normal clothes. When someone comes up to you asking who you are supposed to be, you can respond in several ways:

Clever: "I'm you, only way smarter and more sexy."

Mood killer: "I am a guy with (insert terminal disease here)."

15 year old: "I am a guy who just got done making out with your mom, BOOM!"

Annoyed: "I am a guy with a bad head ache, please leave me alone."

Gross: "I'm a guy with a highly contagious stomach virus."

Hostility: "I am a guy from the future, I have come back in time to tell you that you are an idiot and to shut up your face."

Direct: "Go away. I hate you."

Mood killer 2: "My lack of a costume represents the profound sadness that all of the people who are too impoverished to celebrate Halloween are currently experiencing."

Paranoid: Don't say anything, but point to the sky and mouth "They can hear us."

Emotional roller coaster: "Actually I am your father. No seriously, I know this is confusing, but your mom and me, well, a few years ago...anyway, go get your Pops something to drink."

Deaf: You can do any/all of the above by writing on little note cards that you are a deaf guy who doesn't know sign language but very much enjoys finger foods.

So Dave, those are my quick suggestions for costume ideas. If you're going to dress up, go for a costume that accomplishes something, like helping you be ready for danger, or helping you get out of small talk. But probably the most manly costume is to go for the subtle, sarcastic, psychological approach. People will not want to mess with you, which is good, because you don't need to get too emotionally attached to people who might get hit by stray bullets in a Halloween terrorist firefight. You might be thinking such an attack is unlikely, but I ask you, when is the easiest time for a bunch of guys dressed up like terrorists to walk around in the open without anyone asking questions? Heck, if I was a terrorist, that's when I would attack, just because the only thing better than spreading terror is spreading terror AND getting free candy. So be prepared Dave.

Dr Awesome

UPDATE: Dave, if you (or anyone else) decide to use any of these suggestions, send a picture and I'll post them here.

Fire Guide

Dr. Awesome,

I was watching some footage of all the wildfires in California, and was wondering what I should do if I ever catch on fire. Any suggestions?

Marc

Marc,

This is an interesting manswer topic, perhaps one of the most important topics I've ever received. Yes, it is important to watch manly movies, wear manly clothing, and do other things that carry the flag of manliness onto pansified battle fields of pansitude. But all of that takes a back seat when you are actually on fire. I'd say that in all my years of being manly, maybe only twice have I actually had to do something manly while I was on fire. And one of those times was intentional...I was subduing a feral pig and I wanted to save time by cooking the meat while I wrestled it. So in almost every circumstance, your number one priority should be to extinguish the flames on your own physical person before you carry out acts of masculinitude. And that's what I'm going to help you with today.

Let's start with a history lesson. When I was younger, I was a boy scout for a couple of weeks. It didn't last very long, because they refused to allow me to enter my gas-powered pinewood derby car in the competition. In hindsight I can see why...the pinewood derby race track was not built to handle a vehicle that could travel in excess of 75 mph. But still, I didn't want to be a part of an organization that stifled my abilities, so I quit. My time there was not a total waste though...I still know their motto of ‘be prepared’, and try to live my life by it. There are any number of dangerous things that could happen to you at any given time. That's why I almost never sleep, I am always heavily armed, and I spend most of my day in a battle-ready crouched position. I frequently practice leaping into action. I've asked people before to use three terms to describe me, and invariably the terms they list are 1) locked 2) cocked and 3) ready to rock. Thank you, boy scouts, for helping me to always be prepared.

Now, chances are most of you will never catch on fire. I wanted to give you specific numbers on those chances, so I googled “the likelihood of someone catching on fire today”. Amongst the results, I got back a tutorial on how to catch fire flies and a movie review for the film "Catch a Fire". Neither were helpful at the time, though I did bookmark that fire fly catching tutorial for when Baby Awesome gets older (yet another example of me being prepared). Anyway, there doesn't appear to be any readily available statistics that list your chances of catching fire today, which makes you wonder what the heck statisticians are doing with their time? But we do know it is within the realm of possibility. So any responsible person who wants to be prepared needs to know what to do when they find themselves engulfed in flames. Here is a list of dos and don'ts for how you should respond on the statistically-unknown-yet-still-possible chance you catch fire today. Note that these are not tips to prevent fires; there is plenty of information out there readily available on that topic. These are tips on what to do if you find yourself actually on fire:

-DO NOT look in a mirror. I am pretty sure this will only heighten the level of hysteria in the given moment.
-DO NOT investigate the source of the flames immediately. You are on fire, first things first. You can always track down the culprit and set him on fire later.
-DO NOT practice super hero ninja moves. As cool as that will look, again, you need to remember that you are on fire.
-DO NOT simply stop, drop, and roll without identifying your surroundings first. For example, if you happen to be near a patch of poison ivy or in a storage shed filled with fireworks, chances are it will only make the bad situation worse. Try finding a creek or a shallow pond.
-DO NOT admire the flames. Yes, they can be mesmerizing, possibly even romantic, but save the fire gazing for when the flames are located in a fireplace, not your khakis.
-DO NOT expect Smokey the Bear to come to your rescue. Even if you are in a forest. He is a fictitious character, thus this scenario is highly unlikely. Expecting help from any animal creature, fictitious or otherwise, is probably unrealistic. Unless you were prepared and trained your dog to fetch buckets of water, like I have done.
-DO NOT be so snooty that you’re against using a lawn sprinkler as opposed to the specifically designed ceiling sprinklers. In the event of you being in flames, both will be effective reaching the end goal you are seeking. Plus, as a general rule being snooty is never good. That may be why you are on fire. You might need to examine yourself in the mirror. Unless you are on fire.
-DO maneuver your way under a smoke detector, so as to alert others to your predicament.
-DO tell whatever people that show up that they should stay away. Hugs are important, but not when you are on fire. The only worse thing than one person on fire is two people on fire.
-DO grab a bag of microwave popcorn, if you have one handy. Once you have been extinguished, you'll probably be hungry, and you'll have a delicious bag of popcorn ready to be eaten.
-DO try and get someone to take your picture for your Facebook profile. Everything happens for a reason, and it's possible the reason for this is because God wanted you to have a hilarious profile pic.
-DO take your pants off if that is the location of the flames. The Golden Rule of Steves is not in play when your goods are on fire.
-DO check the liquid you are about to use to douse the flames. Water is good, gasoline would obviously be bad. Liquid Nitrogen might be tempting, but probably a bit of overkill, unless you have the ability to reform your body after it has been shattered like the T-1000 in Terminator 2.
-DO try some shock evangelism if there are people nearby. "Turn or burn" is much more effective if you are actually turning and burning.

There’s more that could go on this list, but I know that in this situation time is very valuable so we'll cut it off here. I don't want you wasting that time trying to remember an excessive list of tips. Just know if you can avoid the things mentioned above you will prevent the situation from getting worse. I would suggest coming up with sort of mnemonic device or something, like SohCahToa is supposed to help you remember geometry. Or was it SahCohToa? Crap if I know. Anyway, I hope this helps, Marc, should you wake up one morning and find yourself flaming.

Dr Awesome

Rapid Fire Manswer - Mancession?

Dr. Awesome,

I have heard from multiple sources the recent economic meltdown called a "mancession" as male unemployment rates have risen far more than female unemployment rates. Is this an appropriate term for what is happening? I don't like it, but I guess I can see where it comes from.

Thankfully still employed,
Matt

Matt,

No, I don't think this is an appropriate term. For one, it's really a stretch to put the word "man" into "recession." It's pretty easy to do it with words like man sandals (mandals), man nannies (mannies), man answers (manswers), and places where you prop your feet (ottomans). But you can't just put man on the front of any word you want to. That's mandiculous...see, great example, man ridiculous doesn't work. Another reason that I don't like this term is that men are not responsible for the recession. You've heard a lot of people getting blamed for what is going on...all the way from your average American living beyond his means to self-serving politicians and Wall Street bozos. But I'm willing to bet any amount of money you want that Carl Weathers had nothing to do with the recession. Therefore, not a mancession. The final reason I don't like this term is because I challenge the premise you mentioned. The only reason that male unemployment rates are higher than female is because more men had jobs to begin with. This is because of the bias against females inherent in the system. If the world would just quit being so sexist and act a little more egalitarian, businesses could fire more women too. So overall, mancession is just not a helpful term. I don't even like "recession," since in order to have a RE-cession you have to have cessed in the first place, and who likes cess pools? Nobody. That's why I prefer the term "economic sucktacularfest," as I think that best describes what is going on.

Dr Awesome

Exercise Attire

Dr. Awesome

Thanks for your wisdom on the short-shorts issue. If only all men heeded your sound advice!

The issue of running apparel raises another question. These days, I see lots of guys out running sans shirt. (Some men even carry their shirts with them while they run.) I do understand that the summer heat makes for a rather warm personal climate while running, but I maintain that this partial disrobing is completely unnecessary. Shirtless men tend to fall into two distinct categories, and my reaction to both is "Please put your shirt back on for the love of all that is good and holy." It is, I feel, analogous to women traipsing about in bikini tops: if they are out of shape, no one wants to see that; if they are in shape . . . well, no one classy wants to see that. I mean, help a sister out! I don't want to be forced to gaze on pasty man-flesh when I'm walking to work; and even if you look good, I don't want to ogle you! Fit or flab, put your pecs away. Put your shirt on and sweat like a man.

Also, I suspect it is sexist to run topless, since women are not permitted to do likewise.

Thoughts?

Thanks again for all you do, and all my best to Mrs.and Baby Awesome!

Alexis

Alexis,

Sorry it has taken me so long to get around to manswering you. I'm running out of excuses, so I'll make one up: I was at a secret government lab in Paraguay developing a toxic nerve agent that makes enemy troops think their pants are on fire. It's like a Jedi mind trick, except more hilarious. The real question is, am I making this excuse up, or is it legitimate? Is it really true, and Dr Awesome is just using it as his cover by hiding the truth in plain sight? Keep watching...don't be surprised if some wacky videos of the Iranian military doing some fire dances start appearing on the Youtubes. All of that to say, I'm back now, and ready to get my manswer on. Oh, you asked about my family...Mrs Awesome and Baby Awesome are doing great. At four months old, Baby Awesome has already killed a raccoon, mastered Pig Latin, and is busy writing a commentary on the book of Ecclesiastes. So I have high hopes for her. And Mrs Awesome continues to be better than I deserve. So things are well here, thanks for asking.

Now, on to your manswer. Running without a shirt on can be problematic, sure. The average man today is flabby and decidedly un-ripped, and should therefore not ever take his shirt off in public. It's questionable as to whether he should even take his shirt off in private either. Maybe showering while wearing an undershirt would provide motivation to lay off the Papa Johns and hit the elliptical a little harder. But you are right about folks exercising shirtless. You know how when you open a can of biscuits, and the ooey biscuit stuff overflows the top of the can in every direction? Many flabby men look like this, with their lower-half being the can and their torso resembling the biscuitous mixture. So, if you are biscuitous, do not take your shirt off in public. It's the golden rule...if you don't want to see a pasty biscuit explosion overflowing someone's pants, then don't force that image on to other people. You can still exercise, you can still go to the beach, but you just need to keep yourself covered up. Yeah, it might be hot, but the sweating is good for you. And the stench can be masked with copious amounts of Old Spice. So if your midsection resembles a can of delicious biscuits, do the world a favor and keep your shirt on. So far, Alexis, you and I are in agreement.

But where I'm going to disagree is on the appropriateness of exercising with your shirt off if you are ripped up two ways from Tuesday. I can't tell you how many times I've had conversations with other biscuitous dudes regarding what our lives would be like if we were jacked up like a pro-wrestler or an NFL linebacker. Invariably, the conversation becomes all the different places we would go without our shirt on. That's because it is assumed that, if we were really that jacked, we would never ever cover up our statuesqueness. Pretty much we would wear whatever pants are appropriate for the given situation...shorts if we're at the gym, jeans for a casual date, dress slacks with a belt and leather shoes for a formal meeting. We might even tie a tie around our neck if we were going to a wedding or funeral. But there is no way we'd be wearing a shirt. We would walk around, jacked through the roof, flexing for all the world to see. We'd even flex for the stupidest reasons, such as contorting our bodies in weird ways while offering directions to inquiring tourists. "Yeah, the bus stop is (huge Hulk Hogan flex) THAT WAY!!!" (followed by cupping our hand to our ear to solicit a reaction from the crowd). And nobody would scoff at this...all men would be jealous, and all women would want to bear our children. That's the kind of awesomeness you would get from wanton shirtless jacked uppery.

I know, Alexis, that you claim you don't want to see this, since you'd prefer to not have to ogle. And you claim that this is sexist, since women can't walk around shirtless. I'm not sure I'd say it is sexist...the fact of the matter is, women aren't visually stimulated like men are, so a shirtless woman creates a thousand times bigger problem than a shirtless dude. Think of how many wrecks have been caused by a shirtless jacked up dude running down the sidewalk, and then compare that number with the wrecks caused by a woman jogging in a sports bra. The bottom line is that men can't handle the temptation, so it's better for you ladies to stay fully clothed. I'm already sizing up Baby Awesome for some little girl Afghanistan clothing, just so I won't have to destroy any man that even thinks about checking her out. But women have more control over their temptations, so they aren't likely to cause any wrecks or traffic jams by staring down a shirtless man of badicalness. Rather than rear end someone while yelling out the window, women will calmly find a place to park, make sure their belongings are secured in the trunk or under the seat, and only then proceed to chase down the man with offers of bearing his progeny.

But overall, you raise some good points. Men, if your midsection is best described using the same terminology that applies to uncooked doughy biscuits rising out of a can, it would probably be better if you spend the rest of your life completely clothed. But if you have somehow reached a stage where you are so jacked that people confuse you for a statue or possibly a character from Greek mythology, then don't keep yourself covered. Share with the world how gigantor you are. Yes, you might cause some women to stumble, but that's a small price to pay for displaying to one and all what the perfect human form looks like. I'm sorry that ladies don't quite have the same options for shirtlessness, but as I've mentioned, men cease to function mentally when a shirtless woman runs by. That's way worse than the reaction that women have for shirtless men. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go take a shower with my shirt on.

Dr Awesome

Dr. Awesome Readers Append Words to Random Images of Old Man Movie Screencaps Found on the Interwebs Celebrity Competition Bee: Round 8

Our even less than quasi-weekly Dr. Awesome Readers Append Words to Random Images of Old Man Movie Screencaps Found on the Interwebs Celebrity Competition Bee: Round 8 begins now.

Last week's winners:

mjbagel: Another wedgie? Are you kidding me?

brodave: FFFRRRREEEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMM!!!!!

jackandmandy: I hope Bin Laden DOES choke Kanye out with his beard.

Now, let's see who is man enough to come up with something for this one:

Not a Manswer: Yellowstone Dawn

I'm taking a break from the usual manswer format today to share with you a screenplay for a movie I just wrote. I don't know how many of you have been watching, but this week PBS has been running a pretty good documentary on the history of the US National Parks. I really do love exploring the national parks; I've been to several of them, and want to visit them all. While I was watching this show, I was wondering to myself what would make it better. And a thought occurred to me...what if I combined my love of the national parks with my love of badical action movies? So ladies and gentlemen, today I give you the product of that wondering: Yellowstone Dawn. If you have any suggestions as to which actors should play which parts, I'd be more than happy to hear them. Also any songs for the soundtrack you have in mind, along with where in the movie they should go. Without further ado, Yellowstone Dawn.



Scene 1: Yosemite National Park. A couple of dudes are having a nice day climbing El Capitan.

Dude 1: Sure is a nice day for a climb.
Dude 2: Yep. Hey, that looks like a missile headed straight for us.
Dude 1: Oh no!

Missile blows up the side of El Capitan and the dudes perish. In the valley below, a terrorist who is definitely not from the Middle East so as to avoid stereotypes looks on with a grim smile.

Terry (that is his name): Phase 1 of my plan is complete. Terrorist sidekick with a thick yet unidentifiable accent who is the brawn behind this outfit, get me the President on the phone.
Brawny terrorist: Aye sir.
Hot lady who has misgivings about the terrorist plan but is attracted to Terry's charisma: Ooh, let's make out.
Terry: Sounds good.

(They make out, but we cut away quickly because this movie is PG)

Scene 2: Oval Office. President Wong, played by an Asian lady for the purposes of diversity, walks in and sees the red phone on her desk ringing.

President Wong: Herro?
Terry: Sup President. I'm sure you've heard by now that I shot a missile in Yosemite. If you don't give me ten billion dollars, as well as total control of Louisiana (their gumbo is delicious), I'm going to blow up Yellowstone.
President: Ten Birrion! Rouisiana! Yerrowstone! You are crazy.
Terry: Why are you pronouncing all of your Ls like Rs?
President: I am an Asian lady for the purposes of diversity, and I am playing into the stereotype.
Terry: That makes sense. Get me my money and my gumbo or Yellowstone is ancient history.
President: I see you have an appreciation for irony, since Yerrowstone features many ancient seismic formations.
Terry: You have one hour.
President: Ok, bye.
(hangs up, then turns to VP American Indian)
President: Get me someone from the National Parks Service.
VP Tenderfoot: Yes ma'am.

Scene 3: A busted up double wide trailer somewhere way out in the middle of Yellowstone. A caucasian Park Ranger named John Ranger is asleep on his couch covered in empty bottles of bourbon. The door busts open, and in walks a token hilarious black sidekick named Jamal.

Jamal: Wake up John! Fo' shizzle!
John: Leave me alone. I prefer to be drunk, because at some point before this movie started, my wife left me and took my dog. The only way I would get up is if my country needed me in some way. This is foreshadowing.
Jamal: You crazy, white boy, you crazy!
(Phone rings, John answers)
VP Tenderfoot: Hello, this is the Vice President. Stand by to talk to President Wong.
John: Ok.
President Wong: Herro John. Terry the Terrorist is about to blow up Yerrowstone National Park. You must stop him.
John: But President, I'm in Yellowstone. I've never even heard of Yerrowstone.
President: Please do not make fun of my R and L situation. It is a sensitive topic.
John: Sorry. How much time do I have to stop this guy?
President: 57 minutes.
John: Ok, gotta go, talk to you later.
President: You are Yerrowstone's onry hope. Good ruck.
John: I seriously have no idea what you just said.
(hangs up, then turns to Jamal)
John: I am totally sober now, and we've got 57 minutes to stop Terry the Terrorist from blowing this whole place up.
Jamal: Oh snap! Let's roll!
(John and Jamal take off on their horses)

Scene 4: Terry, Brawny Terrorist, and Hot Lady are by Ol' Faithful setting up their explosives.

Brawny: How do you plan on blowing up this whole place?
Terry: If I drop my explosives into a very active seismic area, the resulting earthquakes and volcanoes and such will destroy everything. Look, why don't you worry about taking out any pesky park rangers who show up, and leave the planning to me.
Brawny: You got it boss.
Terry: I should take the time to explain to no one in particular why I'm doing this. I had a bad experience on a youth group retreat one time, which leads me both to an abiding hatred of national parks, and an abiding love of bayou gumbo. This is character development.
Hot lady: I have reservations about this plan, because while you two were talking I walked over and made friends with a lovable moose. I don't want to hurt him.
Terry (slaps her): If I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you.
Hot lady: My current expression shows that I don't like you anymore, and that I will most likely wind up helping any park rangers who show up.
(John and Jamal come riding up)
John: Stop, you terrorist! I am John Ranger, here to foil your nefarious plans!
Terry: Wait, you're a park ranger named John Ranger?
John: Yeah, I get that a lot. I'm named John because all action heroes are named John, and the Ranger thing was just lucky I guess.
Terry: Well I don't think John Ranger is a very catchy name.
John: Oh yeah? Well your mom is not very catchy!
Terry: That doesn't make sense.
(John punches Terry, but doesn't see Brawny sneaking up behind him and Jamal. He cracks them both over the head, and they get knocked out. Brawny puts them in a cage suspended over Old Faithful. They wake up, and see Terry putting the finishing touches on his missile)
John: You'll never get away with this!
Terry: Oh but I will. I am leaving now. I could have killed you earlier, but instead I put you in a cage that you can only escape from if someone helps you. Good luck with that.
(Terry, Brawny, and Hot Lady leave).
John: Well darn, we are in a real pickle.
Jamal: Sho' nuff! I was hoping to get a crack at that Brawny guy, so that I could deliver a token one liner.
John: Yep. If only someone would help us get out of this cage.
Jamal: Who even knows we're here who would be sympathetic enough to help us get out of this precarious situation?

Scene 5: Terry and co. are headed out of the park to get away from the explosion

Hot Lady: I sure do miss my new moose friend. And John was very attractive.
Terry: Well, whatever you do, don't run away while Brawny and I are not looking.
(Hot Lady's moose friend and some of his buddies moose-rush the vehicle the terrorists are in, distracting Brawny and Terry. Hot Lady runs away)
Hot Lady, to the mooses: Thanks guys!
Terry: We didn't need her anyway. I hope I don't regret telling her where our secret hideout is.

Scene 6: Back at Old Faithful, Hot Lady comes riding up on the back of her moose friend.

Hot Lady: I am here to rescue you. The timer on the missile shows only 60 seconds, so this is going to be very dramatic and exciting.
John: Tell you what. If you let me down, I'll disarm the missile, you and I will make out for a bit, and then Jamal and I will go chase Terry.
Hot Lady: Sounds good. I know where they are heading, and after we make out I'll tell you.
(All of that happens)

Scene 7: Terrorist hideout.

Brawny: Shouldn't our missile have gone off by now?
Terry: Yes. I hope nothing went wrong.
John shows up: Something did go wrong. Your girlfriend, who is now my girlfriend, helped us escape. I disarmed your explosives, made out with her, and now I'm here to fight you to the death.
Terry: It would be very interesting if, before we fought, a chase scene ensued where you end up squaring off with me and Jamal ends up squaring off with Brawny.
John: Agreed.
(That happens. First, we see Jamal catch up with Brawny)
Brawny: You cannot beat me, as I am strong and foreign.
Jamal: Insert hilarious joke here.
(Jamal takes a beating, but ultimately kills Brawny)
Jamal: Insert a second, even more hilarious joke here.
(Back to John and Terry)
John: Give it up, Terry, you are through
Terry: No way, Ranger. You'll have to kill me!
John: Ok
(John kills Terry)
John: One liner.

Scene 8: John, Jamal, Hot Lady, and the moose are in the Oval Office with the President

President: John, the entire nation owes you a debt of gratitude.
John: Just doing my job. All I want to do now is settle down with Hot Lady and our new moose friend and live a peaceful life.
(phone rings)
President: Herro?
Jerry, Terry's brother: This is Jerry, Terry's brother. I am at the Grand Canyon with an even more evil plot than my brother had. If you want to stop me, it will at the very least take an entire sequel.
President: Oh no!
John: Jamal, there's more work to do.
Jamal: Man whitey, you keep me all twisted up in the game!
(everyone laughs, including Jerry, who apparently is still on the phone)
Jerry: Try and stop me!
John: See you in a bit.

Roll credits, including "COMING SOON: YELLOWSTONE DAWN 2: CANYON DESTINY"

Manliest Animal

Dr. Awesome:

What is the manliest animal? I am not asking out of idle curiosity, but for purposes of badicalness. If a man ever needed to a) prove his love to a woman by presenting her with a trophy or b) regain man-points by either slaying the creature after an epic battle of brain and brawn or forcing it into frightened servitude via superior willpower, what would be the best animal? It's tempting to answer "bear" immediately, but I immediately second-guessed myself. Why? Because, for one, the male bull shark has the highest concentration of testosterone in its blood out of the entire animal kingdom. So I thought I would appeal to you, with your numerous PhDs and extensive knowledge on all things manly, to put this question to rest.

Hunter

Hunter,

I'd be remiss if I didn't point out how appropriate it is for someone named "Hunter" to ask this question. Well, played, Hunter's parents, for naming him something that would leave him no choice but to be testosteriffic when he grows up. Now on to your question, first let me advise you that women, in general, respond better to flowers and candy rather than trophies and certificates. I know this from personal experience. I thought the flowers and candy thing was way over done, so one year I decided to give Mrs. Awesome a "Wife of the Year" certificate that I created in Microsoft Word. Despite it being straight from the heart and printed on the finest laser printer paper, she was less than pleased. In retrospect, I should have at least had it framed. But you didn’t come to learn about why I spent 2005 sleeping on the couch, so let’s get to the focus on the manliest animal.

It’s quite the daunting task to place a label on the manliest animal. That’s like putting Chuck Norris, Mr. T, William Wallace, Jack Bauer, the Ultimate Warrior, and a host of others in a King of the Ring match. There is no way you could tell me with absolute certainty who would be wearing the crown at the end. However, we do know who is better at fighting British oppression or pitying fools or growing beards while selling the Total Gym. We can look at various categories and tell who is more likely to dominate in that particular area. So in a similar manner, I'll look at the two categories you mentioned, and then tell you what animal works best for each.

We’ll start with one you mentioned, woman wooing. From my experience, women are not fans of purposeless killings of animals. Subduing a male bull shark is quite a feat, but unless like me you have a freezer room at your house dedicated to the preservation of hanging meat, your fridge would never hold all those fish sticks. There would be significant waste, which might prove your love of inefficiency rather than your love for her. To capture a woman’s heart, you need to take down an animal that is multifunctional. That is why a cow is your best choice. After slaying a cow, you can cook her dinner, fashion her a matching belt and purse, even a bible cover. And if you plan things well and give the gift during a blizzard, the two of you can crawl inside the carcass and stay warm. Women love to snuggle. Sure, it's not that difficult to stalk and take down a cow...I do it every morning because I like beef and unpasteurized milk for breakfast. But as far as versatility, cows are pretty high up there. Nothing says "I love you" like steak, leather, and snuggling in a carcass.

Our next category takes into account your second point, most impressive animals to defeat in an epic battle. A major determinant here is where the clash goes down. Do you get home field advantage or does the animal? My manswer varies depending on that factor, because everybody knows a win on the road in front of a hostile crowd is more impressive than a win at home. For the sake of length, we’ll look at the altercation going down in the animal’s domain. The manliest creature for you to battle with on his own turf is probably a walrus. First of all, you would be subjected to subfreezing temperatures. I don’t know how much you weigh, but the walrus has hundreds of pounds of blubber to help keep warm. Advantage walrus. Secondly, due to the blubber, do you know how many body shots you have to land for them to ever be effective? Advantage walrus. Also, the walrus is at home on both land and in the water, which I think is called being ambidextrous. So he will try and get you into the icy waters, because he has flippers to go along with his tusks and can kill you in either way. Again, advantage walrus. Another point to consider, have you ever seen a walrus up close? They have mustaches. Not only are they manly, they must be wise. Furthermore, the walrus has two katana blades in his mouth, so he’s kind of like Storm Shadow, which means he is probably also skilled in ninjutsu. Granted I have never seen a walrus performing any type martial arts, but that is all the more reason to believe they can. That lays to rest any question about a walrus' mobility. Finally, as an animal, a walrus has all sorts of friends in the animal kingdom he can call on for backup. All animals hate humans, because we are so uppity, what with our literature and opposable thumbs and the fact that we are responsible for broadway musicals. So in this high stakes game, I'm thinking the wise-ninja walrus, with his size, cold-weather powers, and social connection to the rest of the animal world, is king.

So just off the top of my head, the two animals I think you'd want to go after are a cow and a walrus. Maybe one day scientists will find a way to successfully mate a walrus and a cow, creating some sort of super-animal that is both delicious and deadly. God help us if that ever happens. Anyway, best of luck to you, Hunter, as you try to bag these crafty creatures.

Dr Awesome